Amazing music, lifestyle creating, art journaling, tutorials, all in one place. the life of an accidently stereotyped, teenage girl.

Sunday, 30 June 2013

Not a blank page
 (listen to call me by Shinedown and lights by Ellie Goulding)

     i listen. i observe. i don't speak. but that doesn't mean there's nothing going on up in my mind. that doesn't mean nothing is going on in my heart. that doesn't mean i' m a blank page.

  I have a pair of purple headphones. they are high quality, crisp and loud. well, at least they used to be. i dropped them, not too long ago, and they broke into pieces. i was really upset that day. then my brother tried to fix them, and they are in one piece again. but some thing must have gone wrong with the wiring or something, for now the sound isn't loud and clear like before. it's distorted, the music sounds far off, messed up. like from a parallel universe. they're kind of destroyed. but you know what? i think i like them better this way.

 the music seems a different kind of raw, distorted, the high parts are low, the low parts are high. the music is definitely nothing close to perfect. which is what makes me even more attracted to it. it's not perfect. its like the song is being sung from somewhere above the fits me. it fits what i feel everyday. this distorted, messy, absolutely beautiful music is ME.
 my mom wishes id notice the mess my room is more often, my friends keep reminding me to smile, laugh and flirt more often. like normal people. but these aren't the kind of things i notice or remember. i instead, notice how the raindrops roll down the car window, full of stories. i notice the way the sky bursts into color after a rainy afternoon, closing in to a gorgeous sunset of pink and purple hues. i notice the painful looking callouses on the guitarists fingers, the callouses caused by the musician trying to create something beautiful, trying to communicate and express, trying to silently and musically, scream out to a world that doesn't listen, doesn't care. i remember lyrics to all the songs that adhered to my darkest times. i remember what its like to want to literally, just die, because a certain boy never bothered to look back at all our memories, pretended they were nothing. i remember going for a walk with my i pod and headphones, ending up running, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks, wanting to just run away, just wanting to escape everything. i remember putting my pen down and pushing my history book aside, staring at the chipped blue nail polish on my fingernails, and wanting to give up, because life asks for too much, because life is just so hard.

 i pretend to be like everyone else. i try. i try to make sure i look neat and acceptable to society. i try to laugh at jokes, i try to remember to paint  my nails every now and then, i try to remember to bat my eye lashes at the cute boy sitting next to me at a party. but i don't feel real doing all of that. i don't feel like me. i feel like a puppet on strings, being played by the puppet master, the master being the desire to fit in.
 my plan is to free myself from this stupid puppet master, this stupid theatre, these stupid strings attached to my body, which let society play me however. my plan is to cut my self free from these strings. so i can be whoever i want to be, without caring about what others think. so i can be crazy and weird with freedom, in public, not just where other people can't see me. so i can take this burning sensation in my chest, and no, not put it out, but make it grow . because this burning sensation is what fuels my desires. my passions. my dreams. my goals. my determination. so i can fee myself and run wild. so i can help others do the same.
 i haven't figured out a lot about myself or what i want from myself and this life, but i do know one thing. my life is a message to this world. and i' m going to make sure its inspiring. i' m going to make sure i keep this fire burning.


Friday, 21 June 2013

Play list:
dreaming of music, concerts, vintage graphic tees, colleges, the blinding light

1) wasteland  by 10 years
2)i don't dance by sunrise avenue
3)prove you wrong by crossfade
4)already over by red
5)addicted by saving abel
6)the pretender by foo fighters
7)unity by Shinedown
8)for you by STAIND
9)get out alive by three days grace
10)hero by skillet


all pictures from we heart it.


Sunday, 16 June 2013

Rants, dreams, selfies and studies!

Okay so here are some things about me that you don't know. Because first of all, you dont know me! and second of all, you don't know me. (quoting Peyton sawyer from one tree hill ;) )

1) i take loads and LOADS  of selfies. and i'm not proud of it. :/

2) i am INSANELY obsessed with one tree hill!!! god, its so DRAMATIC! and always makes me cry. every single time. but i still force myself to watch it. i sometimes wonder why i torture myself do much..

3) i play guitar, and i attended guitar classes for about three years. i have stopped going for classes now, and i haven't really been playing my guitars since then. and thats not good. i'm gonna start again. i've played at a few concerts, and have even sung at a few. its scary, but at the same time, a LOT of fun!

4) a week ago, i cleaned out my entire room, and my closet, which was piling up with papers and papers! school test sheets, exams, essays, projects and schoolwork. 3 years of school garbage lived in my closet. i realized that i just had to do my paperwork, and i ended of cleaning out the closet for two days nonstop, and throwing out one huge art pad and 2 huge garbage bags. 
ANYWAY, the day i was done with all the cleaning, i felt..lighter. happier. more motivated. more inspired. much more ready to just RESUME my life, and not waste anymore time, doing NOTHING with my life! its like, that organizing session was.. therapeutic. 

5) last night was a moment of clarity for me. i realized exactly what i want to do with my life. i want to travel. find myself and heal myself through traveling. ALONE. i want to write. tell stories. have a voice. i want to take pictures. not portraits for graduates, or family photos, but lifestyle photographs. i want to be able to capture urban lifestyle. the way people live. their cultures. their beliefs, their emotions. their crimes. and i want to hear music. listen to music. play music.  i'll write more about these dreams and goals of mine in another blog post. in detail.

i need a camera. bad. :(


i just graduated 9th grade, about a month ago. and that means  10TH GRADE, which means O' LEVELS.. which means my CIE EXAMINATIONS ARE IN A  YEAR!!!!
which sucks because that means i need to start prepping up during these two months of summer break! i want to cry. okay now i'm gonna go cry. bye.

Friday, 14 June 2013

Bands that got me here

     three days grace, framing hanley, sleeping with sirens, panic! at the disco, skillet, your favourite enemies, fall out boy, breaking benjamin<3
 and Marilyn Manson. like dude. OMG.

Hello World

i'll admit..this isn't my first blog. i have quite a few. some with maximum two posts, others with not even one. i got discouraged every single time. i guess, somewhere at the back of my mind, i knew that whatever i was posting on line was fake. i've admittedly gone through many different stages up till now. i have tried to be a stereotypical teenager, and that did NOT work out. and because of my failure in that area, i became moody, sometimes aggressive, and 'emo', in, well, EVERYONES' words. i was angry. i hated people. my wardrobe consisted of black, black and black. also black. i listened to metal, and alternative rock.. even screamo. i became lonely. and that just made me angrier. i thought to myself,' what, i have to change MYSELF into everybody else, in order to be accepted and liked? NO WAY.' 
my views and outlooks on life kept changing for the past 3 years. my biggest question - do i  fit and be a nobody, or stand out, as an outcast, and be cast in a black light?
yesterday..i got the answer to my question. the answer is NONE of those two extremes. i realized i have two sides to me, two kinds of personalities, mixed together. its confusing, but at the same makes perfect sense to me. one side of me is all passionate and enthusiastic and full of life, and love for it! its a fresh and happy side to me. added to this are touches of my old grungy, rock and roll side.<3

this is ME. 

 the girl who loves  three days grace, and alternative music, and can only write while listening to music( like right now). 
 the girl who wants to travel ALL by herself, searching for answers, searching for PEACE. who wants to travel and discover and meet and work with new bands, wants to give meaning to other peoples lives from all around the world.
 the girl who loves to make art, play her guitars and make music, stargaze, take photos, wear vintage graphic t shirts, go to the seaside.

my name is Maham Insha, mana, for short, and this is my MY life <3
i have a light side, as well as a dark side. and i love both equally. because they make me who i am, because they give  meaning to my world.
my one piece of advice to you-LET GO. let go of all that holds you back, let go of all the anger, all the pain.

let there be light in your dark side.
xo mana

i was listening to the ballad of mona lisa while writing this post.